Thoughts without filters

I hate being alone. As I get older I realize all those years of being alone, talking to myself, staying in my room, they have scarred me. I can be alone for a bit but everyday for weeks and months at a time, it feels so shitty, boring, and unbearable. Why does it feel like a crime to not loving being alone? Why is it a crime to enjoy life 20x times more with the people you love.

I feel like I’ve been on this journey for so long. It’s a like a shitty roller coaster going up and down and reverse and it’s like alright when are we gonna get to the calm. When I was younger, I didn’t get along with many people. I was weird and fat so I wasn’t the normal cup of tea even when it came to family. I tried but got shut out or made fun of . Eventually I just stayed to myself. For years, it would just be me in my room with my dog. Just the two of us ya know. For so long, I did that and most of the time I wasn’t bothered. But now I hate it. I don’t know if it’s that I’ve experienced things in life that make me feel like going back to that complete solitude is awful but it’s how it feels. Honestly, I wanna know who the fuck gave people especially men, no offense to the smallest population of non shitty men, the entitlement to tell others you have to learn to enjoy being alone all the time.

First of all, I can be alone. I can make it fun but after a while especially in winter. It gets boring. Like an overly played out script, where you already know what’s gonna happen because other directors follow the same cheat sheet. Second of all, why do I have to enjoy it 24/7 and 365 days out the year isolation. Who gave anyone that right to dictate and shit on other people who genuinely find more joy with others in life. Now I’m not saying I am dependent on other people but I genuinely enjoy the conversations, the inspiration, the ideas, the love , the laughter, and all the possibilities that are created when it’s not just you. It almost feels unfair because life is so short and yet you want me to go thru it even tho I don’t know when I’m gonna die, feeling slightly miserable and ashamed because I wanna live it with someone else for the what ifs ya know.

I’m so tired of giving societies stereotypes and peoples bullshit opinions ahold over my life. And that stops today. I can respect someone’s decision for themselves if they wanna be left alone or have “space”. But I refuse to allow you to continue to make me feel like shit just because I’m different. I’m the girl who enjoys life more with others not alone. And there’s nothing wrong with that. You could honestly eat my ass because I am the best thing that has happened to you. There will be no other soul like me and you should feel blessed and grateful you got to or get to experience me in your small existence while we are still alive. OMG!! Did anyone see we declared war? Like come on, shits really about to get crazy and who knows what will happen but I’m not gonna sit here and keep throwing myself a pity party and hating part of who I am. I’m not meant to be alone. My name literally means ‘ the one who is loved’. I am meant to exist and live life with others, with you I hope.

So how about we all say fuck you to the people that tell us how we’re feeling is wrong or not the right way or it needs to be this way. If you wanna be alone, that’s your choice and what you want doesn’t mean it’s what I want or the way I have to choose to live. Also, let’s all not be pussies. If you’re gonna be in someone’s life, actually be there don’t go in and out. That selfish. Life’s hard and when you fuck up and hurt someone it can be harder. But be a man or woman and fucking stay and fix what you broke. Don’t be a pussy and run out because you feel like it’s hard or you didn’t grow fast enough or you have more to learn. You know the only way we as people have grown thru the centuries is with each other. Your never gonna be better not the all the way doing it by yourself but with each other there’s an infinite amount of possibilities to be a better you.

Thanks for reading and until the next time.