Thoughts without filters

Welcome to my unfiltered thoughts. My name is Nakiaya. I am a 25 year old woman navigating thru life, adulthood, change with all I’ve got. But I’ve got one hell of a story to start us off and it’s about the man I love cheating on me a few days after my birthday. I know right fucked up smh lol.

So, today actually makes a full week since it happened. That Thursday, I was having bad day because who in this century ain’t suffering from depression and anxiety am I right? This world just throws so much at us and its like they expect for us to take it all in and never break but thats not realistic and honestly bullshit but thats for a different discussion. My partner chose to give me space that day, mind you we have been dating for six months and live 3 and half hours apart. Little did I know someone from his past contacted him and he entertained the conversation the whole day. Apparently, It was a fun convo and he decided to invite her to his job after he got off and kiss her and receive a handjob too. But hey at least they didn’t have sex. He said he didn’t want to and he don’t know what the hell he was doing but he doesn’t want her either. Yes, I was on his phone screen and yes he was still wearing our matching bracelets. That night he went home and finally texted me because that was also the same day his phone got cut off. He decided to tell me we were done and I deserve a better man. Man that shit broke me, mind you at first I didn’t know the truth yet. I was so upset, so confused because i thought we were real, I thought we would continue fighting for each other. Man did I blow thru weed that night. I wanted to feel so numb the thought of wanting to die would be easier. Yes, I know but not everybody is strong all the time and sometimes we all put our faith in things besides God to keep us going because we want to enjoy them in life. I kept going over the messages and i peeped he was retracting. He likes to be very hard on himself and be mean to himself when he feels or does something wrong because he is a negative overthinker like me and mistakes are hard when we thought we grew to be better. But anyways, once i pressed for more info and a second chance because of course I thought it was my fault, God made him reveal the truth. Girl, when I say I didn’t expect that, especially when we went thru three months of him being overly scary, thinking any and every man wanted me. OMG!!!!

I heard his truth and I sat with it. How sorry he felt, how because he felt like he should’ve never let it happen and how I didn’t deserve it since i am always faithful, always honest, always giving with lots of love and that i deserve to be with a man who would have never hurt me and break my heart in the first place. I mean he ain’t wrong. But i asked god what should i do, I asked so many times even i got annoyed at myself.

He did answer. He brought these feelings of relief over me. WOW, its not my fault. Its completely his but also It felt like I should keep fighting. Our love beforehand was beautiful, it wasn’t easy but what can be easy about learning a new person you never knew before, dealing with bills and living alone for the first time, declining mental health, and severe anxiety. He helped me heal many things that other people broke since childhood. He helped me grow as a person and he was the person who didn’t just walk away because my emotions were ‘ TOO MUCH’. Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for that real kind of love, a person who actually tries and doesn’t just pussy out of whats not easy. I feel in life we as people easily give up on things, people, and opportunities that require real effort. I was also thinking why should i let your shitty decision making ,when your mind was overly full, derail the life i would be living and all the benefits and beauty that would come from taking our dreams and turning them into reality. I don’t think thats fair and its like well shit i am the one who got fucked over so i feel like it should be my decision on whats next.

What would you do? Would you deem this person as replaceable? Would you fight for the love you once knew if you could truly tell they were sincere? Do you believe in second chances? Or do you follow the stereotypes of society?

Now, I know what your thinking. I am desperate or dumb or he is totally lying or maybe i did something and kept it to myself so I am giving him a break. Please don’t flatter yourself. I have been faithful and God knows it. I do not care to cheat. I believe it is better to leave before you hurt someone you love. But i damn sure didn’t start out this way. Through a lot of time ,a lot of heartbreak, a lot of repeated mistakes and hard lessons that needed to be learned. I am a better woman for it. I am thankful. I don’t want to live my life with regrets. What if i didn’t give up and he was truly sincere and never would have done it again? What would I have I missed in life? I am a fighter and I am stubborn but i am not stupid. I will not allow anyone to play in my face more than once. Trust needs to be proven and earned back and if your truly sorry and truly want to be with me. You would prove it without incentive. Actions are stronger than words. I feel i have a great purpose in his life and vice versa. Can you say the same if you’ve ever experienced something similar? I will also say I don’t want this experience to change and/or obliterate my faith in love. The power of real love and what it actual takes for a relationship to work ,not the fake bullshit social media tries to sell us. So yes, I will give him another chance. I will be smart and brave and see what is shown to me and make the best decisions while staying true to myself and keeping that hopeless romantic little girl alive!

Thank you for reading. You don’t have agree with me. This is my life afterall and we all do what we want in life. I figured you could take it as food for thought. This world is full of endless knowledge, so let’s keep the conversation open and until the next time.